Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Open Letter to Frederick's of Hollywood

Dear Frederick’s of Hollywood:

I’m writing to you to express my displeasure at the apparent discontinuation of your line of bras known as “Liquid Dream”.

I was first introduced to the Liquid Dream collection back in 2005 (roughly). I was in need of a good bra to help me fill out the top portion of a dress. I thought I would give it a try. Sure, I was nervous about a water bra. I mean who doesn’t live in fear of springing a leak at a very inopportune moment? I’ll tell you who – chicks with gigantic tatas. But that’s neither here nor there. I was a nervous wreck, but once I got the bra in my hot little hands, (or more correctly, once I got my girls all tucked inside) I was hooked.

It wasn’t filled with water at all, but rather a smooth gel that seemed to warm to my body temperature. This was especially helpful in the winter when the lower temperatures normally causes my nipples to harden and rub against other bras, often chaffing their little sensitive bits. No one really likes to have their nips rubbed raw because their titty erection just won’t go away. Explaining that one to the doctors is never pleasant. What? Who among us has never presented an injured nipple to a doctor? Does it really matter HOW it got injured? By the way - for the chaffing, try udder cream.

I ordered several different styles of this bra and for the first time felt like a woman with a nice set of knockers! It was very liberating. It was like having boobies that I could stick in my drawer when they weren’t convenient (like when exercising or horse back riding.)

The aqua colored bra lasted quite a long time, but has become stretched out and not nearly as comfortable as it used to be. Often times, the left breast looks saggy, and that’s not even my good-sized side! I’m certain part of the problem is that I often take off my bra while sitting on my couch. You know the drill…unhook the bra, reach up through your sleeve, take off one side, then the other and voilla! You’ve managed to get off the tit bondage contraption without flashing any innocent bystanders, such as your children or your Mother-in-law.

The pretty pink embroidered number lost one of the underwires not long ago. I remember it well. I was sitting at work wondering WTF was poking me in my well-displayed cleavage. I looked down and there it was. I didn’t even know this bra had underwire until that very day!

The sand colored one? Well that one is just a lost cause, as it has accidentally gone through the dryer on more than one occasion. The gel packet inside the right cup is all bunched together (I do believe it has melted) and when I wear it, my titties look very lumpy. It’s a no go.

So it came time for me to order a new bra or two and I go to your website to find that you no longer carry the Liquid Dream line. You do have a new line called “Liquid Lift Bra”. I’m not entirely sure that this isn’t just the “Liquid Dream” collection with a higher price tag.

I am concerned about the new moniker, however. “Liquid Dream” was perfect because it was always my dream to have luscious sweater puppies. “Liquid Lift” implies that I have something there that just needs to be lifted up. What do you think you can lift? Sure, maybe the right side will give you something to work with, but unless you’re lifting other parts of my body that have extra fat (read: everywhere below the rib cage) then really, there’s nothing to lift.

I will order one of your Liquid Lift bras, but if my tits don’t look $11 worth better than they did when I bought the Liquid Dream bras, your ass had better be giving me some type of compensation. I cannot have gaps in my shirt where my hooters should be. I cannot have uneven breasts, unless I’m naked. I’m hopeful, yet guardedly so.

Thank you for your time.

Very Sincerely (and hopefully soon to be very busty again),

Kim

19 comments:

Sara said...

If the bra doesn't work out I will donate some of my bewbies to you. Lord knows I have enough to share!

XOXO

Kimmy said...

I do not need any added size to my bust line. What I need is for them to be lifted to the place they were before I had kids.

Buffy Beaverhausen said...

If we go halves, I can get a reduction and you can get the lift...?
XO

Kim said...

To you first three commenters - piss off. Here I am pouring my heart (hidden underneath very small tits mind you) and you're all extolling your woes about being too chesty? *GIGGLES*

I love you bitches, really I do. Every one of ya!

Cami said...

Looking at your last comment and not saying a word...

You brought this over here so Judd & I didn't smut it up, didn't you?

hehe

Buffy Beaverhausen said...

Hey, being 'chesty' isn't as much fun as you'd think!
I went bra shopping with my B cup sister and when I finally found one big enough for me she says:
"That's the biggest f'ing bra I've ever seen!" and proceeds to laugh; until I tell her I'm actually buying it FOR MYSELF.
Oh, and no man can remember that my eyes are BLUE and not brown.
(that would be my nipples, fellas, look UP!)

Kim said...

Actually, Cami, I'm just really tired of it taking an hour and a half to format the damn thing on MySpace. I was hoping you and Juddy WOULD come smut it up, make it feel more like home. XOXO You have gorgeous boobs. I'm jealous of them.

Kim said...

You know BB - I am mostly grateful for the smaller set. Except that dresses never fit right. Ever.

Saving Grace said...

You can always have some of mine, I'd dream to give them away! I would love to be smaller chested. No tops ever fit and finding a comfortable bra is the hardest!!!
:D

Bretthead said...

Am I the first guy to read this who is fighting the urge to make inappropriate comments about giving you a liquid dream?

Jessie said...

You said udder! :)

Christine said...

@ wow that is awkward, hehehe, I was thinking something inappropriate too until I realized the thing I was thinking about was lucid dream and not liquid dream, oops. hehehe.

I hate when places like Fredericks and Victoria secrets change up their bras that when you find one that works for you fit and everything they go and get rid of the thing, it makes me a sad girl!

Anonymous said...

I'll wait to see what you think of said bra. I've too often been left with two little nubs far to close together to look like real breasts.

Dee

Anonymous said...

"I was a nervous wreck, but once I got the bra in my hot little hands, (or more correctly, once I got my girls all tucked inside) I was hooked."

Bra? Hooked? Bwa-ha-ha-ha!

Aaron said...

Just hanging around because Buffy and Sara said something about donating boobs.

Not Here said...

Have you ever tried the wonder bra? They make you nice and perky. And you can remove the stuffinf if need be.

Anonymous said...

Hello there : )
Buying things on line or in-store? which do you go for? really wondering lol.. i like in-store only because i hate waiting for it to arrive!
Thanks
Olivia

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