Dr. So-and-so

I have a new doctor. We’ll call him Dr. Jones. (not his real name)

I first went to see Dr. Jones on Monday. You see, I hadn’t been going to my regular doctor because it was too inconvenient for me to drive 25 minutes into the middle of nowhere. I knew that with being on my blood thinner I had to go in every month, but it was too much of a pain in the ass. So I skipped it in November. And December. And January. February and March too. UGH.

At this point, I was too embarrassed to go back to my regular doctor and I really didn’t want a lecture. Instead, I made an appointment with Dr. Smith. I mean Dr. Jones.

We talked about the obvious new patient information first. Eating habits. Sleeping habits. What other meds am I on? Who is my neurologist? Have I had a baseline mammogram? Do I need a pap smear? Do I do anal? You know, that kind of thing.

After talking a bit, he listened to my heart, looked in my ears and explained his office hours. In detail. Including how he gets in at the crack of dawn, but the nurses get in about 7:15. Blah blah blah.

Then, he said, “Open your mouth real wide for me.” I did as instructed. Come on sickos, he used the tongue depressor. The wood one.

Yesterday, he called me personally to tell me my blood test results. He called my work number, and had to leave a voicemail the first time. Incidentally, he went to med school where I work. He finished a couple of years before I started here, so it’s not strange at all. “You’re probably driving into work right now…” Stalker.
My results? Kidney function, good. Thyroid, good. Blood sugar, good. INR (that’s the big one you have done monthly when you’re on a blood thinner), perfect. “Your bloodwork is perfect!” he exclaimed. He then made my appointment to see him in a month. He made it “first thing in the morning” so I could get off to work.

THEN, Dr. Schwartz called me today to ask if he can move my appointment up a day. He giggled a little bit about needing to arrange his Psychiatry experience (what I do for 3rd year med students), and that was that.

Why on earth would he call me personally to change the appointment? He has front office people. He has nurses. The answer is obvious. He wants to do go a complete gynecological exam on me. He probably also wants to do anal with me.

And to that I have to day, “No, Dr. Johnson. Just no. Put your giant tube of KY away. Dr. Hottie gets my girlie bits (and occasionally a finger in my pooper) and if anyone is doing anal on me, it’ll be whoever gives me the most money. I mean my husband. Got that?”

I really do like my new doctor. He’s a pretty righteous dude.