Rage On!

I have road rage. I admit it freely. I don't go off half-cocked and flip people off. I don't ride their asses. I don't cut them off or slam on my breaks when they’re a little too close for comfort. I don't play games with getting up next to them and revving my engine. Sorry, that's for 16 year olds and those people with those license plates I told you about yesterday.

What's that? You don't know what I'm talking about with the "yesterday" comment? Tough shit. I gave you the link. Follow it if you want to know.

No people, my road rage is totally, completely, utterly contained within my Dodge Grand Caravan. It consists of me yelling - at my windshield or at the side windows - a lot.

Now, when Joshy B is with me, I'm the epitome of coolness. I don't bat an eyelash. I say silly little things like, "Noooo, you go right ahead, because I wasn’t waiting here first!" OK, so my voice escalates when I say that and I actually yell the “WAITING HERE FIRST!” part.

This is what I deal with on a daily basis:

Right before I turn into the parking deck at work, I am on a one way street. There are 2 lanes. The far right lane is the lane I need to be in.

There are generally cars in the left lane, pretty far back with no opportunity to get over there should one need to. It's like this from the time I make my right hand turn onto this street. So I'm stuck with whatever is in front of me.

Most mornings, I'm greeted with a car stopped in the right lane, hazards flashing.

The skinny little man gets out of the passenger side and walks around to the driver's side. He opens the door for his fairly large wife. She gets out, they kiss goodbye. He gets into the driver's side, she saunters around to the passenger side, OPENS THE DOOR, and starts unloading her shit from the back seat to the curb.

It is usually at this point that I'm voraciously pointing out (and shouting complete with profanity) that they are doing this right in front of a sign that says "NO PARKING STANDING OR STOPPING". Apparently, this does not apply to this couple.

Next, she stands IN THE FUCKING ROAD waving to her husband as he signals like he's pulling out, and goes about his happy little way. She, on the other hand, is still blocking traffic, as she very slowly makes her way toward the curb. Just as she's about to put her foot up on the curb, she stops to see if Mr. Wonderful got stopped at the next light up. This generally brings a rousing chorus of "get out of the fucking road, you god-damned lazy ass bitch!"

I don't know if she can hear me, but I don't think so. She doesn't acknowledge me and finally gets out of my way.

The same thing happens when I leave for the day, except instead of the couple, it's a gaggle of kids at the community college doing a complete Chinese drill. What makes it so special is that they are Asian.

I usually get creative when I curse out offenders. Not being totally happy with referring to them as fucktards or asshats, I have to go one step further. I have to infer things about their sexual relationships, their mother and her sexual relationships and, on occasion, the likelihood that these two cross at some point.

I have anger issues, but I wouldn’t have to be so fucking angry if there weren’t so many asshole licking drivers around here. I hate you, you crotch-rotted bastards with your finger in your mom’s butthole. Move your shit out of my way. Period. The end.