For the birds

Last night, I bought a new frying pan. Just your plain old 12-inch, extra deep variety.

Mmmmm…12 inches and deep. Wait...what?

Anyhow, not wanting to ruin yet another new frying pan, I figure I’d read to see if this one needed to be treated at all before its first use.


Grease with oil. Check!
Do not overheat. Check!
Do not use abrasive cleaning products. Check!
No sharp or pointed utensils. Check!
Do not chop or use beaters inside the pan. Check!
CAUTION: For safety, please keep pet birds out of the kitchen. Ch…uh…what the fuck?

I’m a big believer that there are scenarios so wild and “out there”, that warnings such as this need to be present on consumer items.

I allowed my imagination to take over on this one, and came up with the only logical explanation for this warning.

Let’s say you’re cooking something spectacular like, uh, chicken breast in white wine with mushrooms and wild rice.

So you have it all in your extra deep 12-inch chef’s pan. You take off the lid to stir it. You realize you forgot to add a little bit of garlic. You sprinkle in some garlic, stir it up, and your kid calls you. It sounds important, so you go to your child, knowing your food won’t burn in the minute it’ll take you to duct tape your kid to the wall. I mean see what’s wrong with him/her.

You return, realize that your food should be covered to cook evenly, put the lid on, turn it down to a low simmer and continue on about your business while dinner cooks.

When the timer goes off, you return to give your dish one last stir and take the lid off so the sauce can thicken. It is only then that you notice Petey the Parakeet.

Apparently, Petey liked the smell of the white wine and mushroom sauce and thought he’d take a taste. You didn’t notice Petey when you put the lid back on your food. Poor Petey. You always thought the end for Petey would be different...

You wrap him up and lay him in an empty egg carton, hiding it in the trash. Later, you’ll claim he must have flown out the door when you let the dogs out.

The question you ask yourself at this point? "Do I serve my family the chicken and rice anyhow? I put a lot of time and effort into making your family this delicious dinner, not to mention the cost of the ingredients. Plus, I'm not going to own up to cooking the damn bird, so how will I explain that we're not eating what I just made?"

Seriously though, that statement really was on my pan. It did go on to explain the bizzarre warning: "Birds’ respiratory systems are sensitive to many kinds of household fumes, including the fumes from extremely overheated non-stick pans.” Who knew? See? A PSA for the birds. I love animals, really.

Tomorrow, we’ll investigate why you should not dress penguins in tuxedos.