One more time, with feeling

I'm disillusioned with the mediocrity that is MySpace. The "I'll read your blog if you read mine" mentality is killing me. Quite frankly, I don't have time for it all.

I read a handful of blogs over there, but the majority of them are pure crap. Allow me to fill you in on a juicy little tidbit - "Today, I washed my hair and did a load of laundry" is a status message on Facebook or Twitter. Not a blog. Now, if you washed your hair with homemade jizz shampoo and had to wash your bedsheets because they were covered with maple syrup and peacock feathers, THAT is a story worth telling!

There are five things about me that you, the reader, must be well aware of before you decide that this blog is for you.

1) I have MS. I don't talk about it much, unless I'm trying to raise funds for a walk. I will occasionally write about it, but it's not to illicit your sympathy. It's to increase your knowledge and get you to appreciate life as you know it.

2) Husband, children, house, dogs, multiple vibrators - I have it all. I don't want yours. I do want to HEAR about yours though. And I don't want you either (well, not all of you). I do fully expect that in a few weeks, you too will fall victim to my wit and charm and will officially want me. I'll try and convince someone to set up a fan club, eventually.

3) I love to talk about sex. I want to talk about it, and I want to hear about it. I want to share ideas, tricks, tips, techniques, whatever. If you're getting all freaky with the aforementioned maple syrup and peacock feathers, you MUST share it with me at the appropriate moment. I promise, I will do the same for you.

4) I whole-heartedly subscribe to the "do as I say, not as I do" line of grammatical behavior. While I am a self-proclaimed grammar nazi, I tend to be quite lax about it when it comes to my own writing. That being said, if I see it in your writing, I will likely point it out. You need to understand that I am not being a bitch, I don't dislike you and if I like you, I'm really not all that bothered by it. However, I cannot let you walk around thinking that you're doing OK when other, more cruel grammar nazis are writing loads of blogs about your lack of literary know-how. Feel free to point out my errors. I'll belittle you about it later.

A quick list my biggest pet peeves:

their/there/they're

your/you're

its/it's

to/too/two

Can you go to the store?

masturbate, wiener, weird, lying, dying.

If you don't know HOW to use a semicolon or an ellipsis, don't.

Got it?


5) In my world, there is no such thing as too much information. There is such a thing as too little information. Nothing is off limits as far as I'm concerned. I totally thrive on the quid-pro-quo model of blogging and blog comments. It should go like this:

I tell you about the day I was alone on the elevator, stunk it up with a post-mexican food fart, and when the doors opened, Danny Glover stepped in.

In turn, you tell me about ripping one in the middle of your wedding ceremony at the part where you're supposed to say "I do".

I have found that blogging works best that way and it's the only way I truly enjoy it.


That's me in a nutshell. Enjoy or fuck off. You decide.