Jerry and I have slept in the same bed for over a decade and yet he is still learning things about me. I’m assuming this is something new, as this is the first time he’s mentioned it. He presented it to me as if it were something new that had developed. Our conversation went a little something like this:
J: “I learned something new about you while you were sleeping last night.”
Me: “Here it comes. What happened? Did I fart?”
*CRICKETS*
Me: “Well?”
J: “Yes.”
Me: “Did it reek?”
J: “I don’t know. My nose is still all stuffed up from my sinuses.”
Me: “Then it didn’t smell. Because if mine has any scent at all, you’d know it even if your snot had cemented itself inside your nose.”
J: “Stop. You’re supposed to be a lady. LAAAAY-DEEEEEEE.”
Me: “It’s a fact of life. Everyone does it.”
J: “Yes, but polite people leave the room so others don’t have to be uncomfortable.”
Me: “I was sleeping!”
J: “You still need to know that you did it. I mean, I don’t fart in front of you.”
Me: “You did that one time, after surgery. I know you were horrified, but I have to tell you, it made me feel like you were more human.”
J: “Let’s not talk about this anymore.”
Me: “OK.”
*LONG PAUSE*
Me: “Was it loud?”
J: *Sigh* “It was audible. There was no question what it was.”
*More silence*
Me: “Did it…”
J: “Just stop.”
Me: “Well, now I don’t think I can sleep in the same bed as you anymore. I mean what if it happens again? What if it smells? Will you file for divorce?”
J: “Stop.”
Me: “Oh. My. God. You’re already planning on filing, aren’t you? It was one little toot! You laugh when Josh does it.”
J: “He’s a kid. He’s a boy. You’re my wife!”
Me: “But…”
J: “Stop.”
*AWKWARD SILENCE*
Me: “That’s it. I just need to stand up and fart right now so that it’s no longer awkward. Ripping one in front of my husband shouldn’t be awkward.”
J: “Yes, it should be awkward – it’s common courtesy. And no, you should not stand up and do it right now. Ladies don’t even talk about this! ”
Me: “That’s because they’re too busy doing it. I shouldn't stand up? Would leaning be better? I'm used to leaning. That's what my mom and I do.”J: “Let’s change the subject because this is not helping my vision of you as a delicate woman. Can’t you be more lady-like?”
*Thinking of appropriate new subject*
Me: “Fine. I’ll be back. I’ve gotta go take a huge crap.”
Yeah, I got your “lady-like” right here!
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26 comments:
This is exactly how I converse with men I sleep with. I can totally relate.
(I can't believe you sold out to facebook) You're blogging for what, years? I finally find you and you leave. myeah, no....
I'm having abandonment issues.
♥
Stevi - I HATE FaceBook! I sold out to Blogger!
MySpace is my guilty pleasure. I still check in there, I'm just not writing there. Who loves you?
LOL! I love that he still thinks you're a delicate lady. That's soooo sweet!
IF I farted, they would smell like lilacs holding hands with other lilacs running through a field of pionies on a gorgeous spring day.
I'm just sayin...
He does still think I'm a delicate little flower. He's so naive sometimes! I love that about him!
Ladies fart AND burp.
(I hope no one swoons from that information...)
I was told I snore 'light and cute'...is there such a thing as a cute snore???
XOXO
Buffy B.
I think that he would secretly miss it if you stopped doing all the unladylike things that you do. You just wouldn't be the same Kim.
Love Cami B's comment. My brother believed me for the longest time about girls not farting!
I guess I would not be considered LADY LIKE!
LOL
I think that every woman needs to learn to fart and belch out loud. If they don't the consequences are really, really bad and could back fire, so to speak.
When you get my age they just sometimes fall out. Yesterday, I was at the mall with my daughter and one accidentely slipped out.
me: I hope that doesn't smell.
mandy: It's ok we have a baby with us, we can always blame her.
Yeah, you farted when you slept with me too. Why do you think I camped out with snoring Dee the next night?
Damn it Spoons! Wait. Did I really? It wouldn't surprise me, but someone should say something about it so I can give others proper warning.
Buffy snores light and cute? I saw logs.
Kimmy wants me.
Brandi's brother is naive.
Janet is anything but lady-like - surprise! *giggles*
Nora and Kathy - I assure you I burp and fart with the best of them. I just withhold the butt side from him. Perhaps that's why I won't give up the anal sex!
Yea whatever, "Better out than in I say" *snort*! I belch and fart at in front of Dale at home and in public. I'm usually nice tho and act like a "laaaay deee" around others. It's funny because they all think it's him when we're in public. It's hilarious. You should see the way little old ladies whip their heads around and give him the stink eye. AHAHAAHA! He looks at me a rolls his eyes. He use to say, "It was her" then point at me but he knows better now because they don't believe him. *giggle*
That is totally priceless Meeks!
I remember thinking that our relationship had moved to a whole other level the first time the hubby farted in front of me...I felt special.
Now I just feel nauseated. All the damn time. I know when he's home; there's a green fog that creeps in first. And I give him gobs of shit (verbal, of course. He's the one with the literal gobs of shit) and very dramatically walk about waving my hands and plugging my nose.
And then, of course, I toot at dinner or in bed. Not on purpose. Stupid childbirth hemorrhoids wrecking my sphincter control. Makes him all smug.
Howdy. This is InspireShine from MySpace. Yes, I followed you from there, but I'm not a stalker. Okay, I'm a stalker. Sowwy.
Look, women say they don't fart and I believe them, okay? So don't mess with that glorious vision! I love the tush, it's so soft and beautiful, too lovely for anything unpleasant to come out of it! I'll tell you what I look for in a woman: A lovely woman with long hair, and a sweet soft tush that farts potpourri. I don't think my expectations are unrealistic. I'm still single though. =(
One of my best friends is a dude named Sal. When he was dating his girlfriend Irene he farted often and she always complained about it. I told her, "Everybody farts, even you." Well, she adamantly denied it, claiming that she never farts. One day we were in a store, the 3 of us, and I let a silent one go. It must have been a powerful one because Irene was standing about 15 feet away and suddenly went, "Sal! Not again!" So he was denying it and I was laughing my ass off.
I'll tell you a quick story from a few years ago. I was asleep with my girlfriend and she was entirely naked. She had a round, soft tush so I literally went to sleep with my head on it, like a pillow. It wasn't a nighttime sleep, we were just taking a nap before going out. Anyway, I was woken up by a puff of air in my left ear. So I woke her up (because it was too funny) and told her, "You just farted in my ear!"
She looked at me like I was crazy. "Shut up, that doesn't even make sense. You were dreaming."
I said, "No, I was sleeping with my head on your ass and I felt you fart in my ear. What if I go deaf now?"
She told me to shut up and stop making up stories, because she never farts. BTW, my left ear rings 24/7. Doctors say it's tinnitus but I know better.
BTW, Sal and Irene later got married. I need to call him up and ask him if she farts now.
whoe
OMG!! So, are you still with the girl who ruined your hearing? Did you tell the doctors that she farted IN your ear? Perhaps the air pressure did something to your poor little ear drum?
Stalk away, and thanks for coming by and commenting!
Let me know if Irene farts yet. I'm interested in that!
Nessa, I'm old school. I was raised by a mom who grew up with 7 brothers. Farting was normal and it was a competition in out house. We often judged each other on best lean, best tone, etc.
But then there is Jerry. I swear he is the kindest, most polite man I've ever met in the farting arena.
You? Ladylike????
Excuse me while I go bust a gut with laughter.
You are the best kind of lady- the kind that doesn't give a shit about those rules, but is a good person anyway. That's why I luz you! :)
But I DO give a shit about those rules when I'm around Jerry. Because you know, he doesn't do it in front of me. We haven't broken through that comfort zone, and I'm not about to.
Well, I almost married her. We were engaged but I broke it off because, well, she farts.
Nah, just j/k. I ended it for different reasons.
And I have to confess, the real reason of the ringing was being too close to the speaker during a Mick Mars guitar solo when I was 19. Almost 23 years later and my left ear is still ringing. But the reason I cited is just funnier. =p
BTW, I wrote a blog on my MySpace page that I really think you'll like, since you too look for humor in the more "personal" functions of our bodies. It's called:
"Probing the Inner Me-Why My Colonoscopy Made Me Laugh".
Here's the url, as I don't know how to make links on this site:
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.viewcustom&friendID=217102342&blogID=471243149&swapped=true
JustMeMyselfandI, be careful you don't bust that gut with laughter, or you're going to need to go see a gastro doctor!
Hehehe. That was cute actually. I love grossing out my hubby too. He says I act like a trucker when it comes to talking about these things. Uhhhh who cares? you get over the adversion real quick if you have taken classes in anatomy and nursing, its a fact of life, everyone does it!
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