Facts of Life Part III - The Scariest Part Yet

I recently had a conversation with Joshy B about where babies come from. You may remember the blogs from MySpace (if you read them there). If not, I’ve moved them to “The Vault”. Part I & Part II. Might I suggest you read those first so that you are well aware of how we get to…

PART III - THE SCARIEST PART YET

Being a month or so removed from the previous conversations about how one gets to be a mom, the following conversation was dropped on me like a ton of bricks. Even more disturbing was the fact that at the time, we were laying in bed reading, “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs”.

My end of the dialogue is in italics to make it easier for you to follow.

“Mom – when I was born, how did I get out of you?”

“Uh, well, I…” I stammered, not quite prepared for this conversation.

“I mean, I know it’s not your belly button, Mackenzie told me that’s your baby’s eye. Is that true?”

INTERNAL MONOLOGUE: Your way out of this one was just given to you on
a silver platter. Don’t fuck this up.

“No honey, that’s your belly button. If it were a baby’s eye, boys wouldn’t have them and neither would any girl who does not have a baby in her tummy.”

“Well, all big girls have babies.”

“No, not everyone has babies.”

“Well, you told me all girls have lots of eggs so they have to hatch at some point, right?”

“No, they’re like chickens' eggs – some have babies in them and some you scramble.”

“How do you get a girl’s eggs out to scramble?”

“No, just the chickens. *sigh* OK, a girl’s egg needs special attention from part of the Dad in order to become a baby. Then they hatch IN your tummy and that’s where they grow.”

“What part of the dad do they need?”

*Quick thinking skills*

“Little fishies.”

He thought on that for a moment and then said, “Did I come out of your butt?”

“No, Josh you did not come out of my butt. That’s where poop comes out and while sometimes you act poopy, you are certainly not poop.”

“Then where, on your body, is the hole I came out of?”

*JAW DROP*

“Mom?”

Quick! Start reading again, throw him off his line of questioning! “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest one of all?”

“Mom! Answer my question!”

Still trying to confuse him, “Her lips blood red, her hair like night. Her skin like snow, her name Snow White!”

“MOM!!”

It had become painfully obvious I wasn’t getting out of this one. And so, I did what all good moms would do. I put the book down. I looked him in the eye and I told my 5 year old son the truth.

“The hole is in my girlie parts.”

Josh instinctively reached for his wiener, as if it would fall right off and a giant hole would be left. A look of shock and horror was on his face. He shifted nervously in his bed.

It was at that moment, I could see the wheels turning in his head. He looked ME in the eyes and said, “Good! I was worried there would be poop on me if I came out your butt."

*AWKWARD PAUSE*

"How mad did the queen get at the mirror that Snow White was prettier than she was?”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

After recanting this horror to Jerry, I did learn where all of this talk suddenly sprang from. Jerry and Josh LOVE to watch “Dirty Jobs” together. The episode that they watched, involved artificially inseminating a cow (which they do through the butthole and yes, there is poop involved) and at the end, they showed a calf being born. It may or may not have appeared that the calf was coming out the butthole.