Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts

Friday, April 17, 2009

Kindergarten registration day


Joshy B had his kindergarten registration yesterday.
HOORAY! Look how excited he is - playing his Gameboy on the way to school. Just like a real school kid would.

The school he’s going to gives the Brigance K-1 Screen to all incoming students to help identify those with learning disabilities, and to help place kids in the best environment.

Josh was so excited to go to school finally! He had no problem walking off hand in hand with a pretty little teacher to do the test. They came back about 15 minutes later so the teacher could tell me how he did on the test.

He did really well, but he got a couple of things wrong that he absolutely knows (where your shoulders, elbows, heels and ankles are). I proved his knowledge of putting my hand on his shoulder and, as if on cue, he yelled "don't grab my shoulder!" Or maybe it was his elbow. *shrug* Like mother, like son.

He did, however get perfect scores on the printing your full name, knowing your phone number, address, birth date, counting, letter recognition, tracing shapes, motor skills, blah blah blah.

I was very proud and then she said, “He had an issue with the color recognition.” What? Huh? Josh has known his colors for a few years now. Even pink, gray and magenta. WTF?

“He missed blue," she said.

“Blue?” I said, totally incredulous of the situation.

“Yes, blue. I tried to get him to say it numerous times, but he just wouldn’t do it.”

“What did he think blue was?” I asked her, trying not to sound defensive.

“Dark purple.”

Now, as Josh’s mother, this all made complete sense to me. I know the exact shade of blue the object must have been. It had to be indigo. We have a few things in our house that Josh insists are not blue, but dark purple. He’s absolutely right. I think he's a genius.

Apparently, the teacher said to him, “What might someone else call this color?” in a desperate attempt to get him to say blue. My child, the fruit of my loins, has my sharp wit, sense of humor and intolerance for ignorance. He says to her, “Well, it doesn’t matter. Because if they said it was anything but dark purple, they’d be wrong.” My son, the non-conformist. I'm so proud. Hand me a tissue.

He was sad that he didn’t get to stay for recess. I informed him that his whole life, until September, was recess.

Not to be outdone by his own brilliance, later in the evening, he got me good. We were driving to his gym class and were running a little behind. He announces that he has to poop. Like NOW. So, I pull over at a gas station, get him in the bathroom and nothing. Already late, I hurried him back into the car and set out on the way to class.

I was a little irritated and was talking to him about how it was ok that he didn’t have to go, but he should have told me before I cut across traffic, blah blah blah. We stopped at the red light and I was about to talk about wasting people's time when Josh said, “Look Mom…”

In my head, I just couldn't believe that this child was actually going to try and placate me. You know, something like, "Look Mom, I had to hold it for too long and the urge went away." I cut him off with a stern, “Don’t ‘look Mom’ me!”

I glanced back in my rear view mirror. He had a grin on his face as he calmly repeated, “Look Mom, there’s the money you could be saving with Geico.”

I looked up and sure enough:


Monday, April 6, 2009

Woman - the other white meat

It was a dreary, rainy Monday. Here I was, stuck at work, wishing I had the balls to walk up to my boss and say, “Hey, Bossman! 75% of my work is doable from home. There are many idiots around her who pretend to work from home and those who claim that they stay until 9:00 at night sometimes. It would be painfully obvious if MY work wasn’t getting done, so it’d be like a built in work-checker. What you say you let me work from home 2-3 days a week on a trial basis and make it a permanent deal when you see how productive I really can be?

That’s not likely to happen and it has nothing to do with my story. Other than all good stories have a back story and some fluff, don’t they? Yeah, consider that my fluff. The editors can nix it if they like. Back to the point of my story.

So I log on to AcebookFay and decide it’d be a good day to go on an Easter Egg hunt! So, I hide some eggs for a couple of people who I hope won’t disown me for doing so. In return, I get a couple of eggs.

As I’m about to close the page for the really cool chocolate Easter bunny egg that Aaron sent me page and… wait one minute! I have a mid-story story to tell you! I only thought of it because Word puts the little red scribbly under Easter if I don’t capitalize it.

Which made me think of our archaic and very discriminatory system of dates. We use the term “BC” to denote that the year we’re discussing is before the birth of Christ, i.e., Jesus if you will. Why is this unfair? Why because if you’re not a Christian, you don’t subscribe to the idea that he was, indeed Christ. BUT I think a majority of people (yes, even non-Christians) can allow for the fact that there was a dude named Jesus. Are you with me? So, let’s change the BC to PJ (pre-Jesus) so as to continually be more PC around this, and many other, Christian holidays. Fair enough? *wild laughter*

OK, back to my sordid tale. As I am about to close that chocolate Easter Bunny egg page, what do I see? That social networking site that shall remain nameless WANTS ME TO BE A LESBIAN, or at the very least, bisexual! Really!

I have the proof. Want to see it? (Sorry Kristin. You’re implicated in this, even if it’s not by your own doing.)


....

OMG! They want me to eat her! This raises all sorts of questions. First and foremost, should I consider it? Secondly, what will my husband think? Thirdly, what would HER husband think? And what about mutual friends or other family members? What if we meet face to face and she doesn’t find me all that attractive? Or vice-versa? Have any of you out there gotten invites to eat ME? Will it matter that I’ve never done this sort of thing before? Will she be forgiving if I make mistakes and am not very good at it? Will she return the favor? Will others be watching? Will there be video? Will it wind up on YouTube? I mean, this is a whole new type of “social networking” don’t you think?

Between that and Meagan and Donna constantly accusing me of being stupid (so says a popular social networking site that begins with the letter F) and mystery people on my friends list who HATE me (so I’ve been told by, you guessed it, FB) I’m just not so sure that site is for me. Then again, perhaps it’s right up my alley.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

For the birds

Last night, I bought a new frying pan. Just your plain old 12-inch, extra deep variety.

Mmmmm…12 inches and deep. Wait...what?

Anyhow, not wanting to ruin yet another new frying pan, I figure I’d read to see if this one needed to be treated at all before its first use.


Grease with oil. Check!
Do not overheat. Check!
Do not use abrasive cleaning products. Check!
No sharp or pointed utensils. Check!
Do not chop or use beaters inside the pan. Check!
CAUTION: For safety, please keep pet birds out of the kitchen. Ch…uh…what the fuck?

I’m a big believer that there are scenarios so wild and “out there”, that warnings such as this need to be present on consumer items.

I allowed my imagination to take over on this one, and came up with the only logical explanation for this warning.

Let’s say you’re cooking something spectacular like, uh, chicken breast in white wine with mushrooms and wild rice.

So you have it all in your extra deep 12-inch chef’s pan. You take off the lid to stir it. You realize you forgot to add a little bit of garlic. You sprinkle in some garlic, stir it up, and your kid calls you. It sounds important, so you go to your child, knowing your food won’t burn in the minute it’ll take you to duct tape your kid to the wall. I mean see what’s wrong with him/her.

You return, realize that your food should be covered to cook evenly, put the lid on, turn it down to a low simmer and continue on about your business while dinner cooks.

When the timer goes off, you return to give your dish one last stir and take the lid off so the sauce can thicken. It is only then that you notice Petey the Parakeet.

Apparently, Petey liked the smell of the white wine and mushroom sauce and thought he’d take a taste. You didn’t notice Petey when you put the lid back on your food. Poor Petey. You always thought the end for Petey would be different...






You wrap him up and lay him in an empty egg carton, hiding it in the trash. Later, you’ll claim he must have flown out the door when you let the dogs out.

The question you ask yourself at this point? "Do I serve my family the chicken and rice anyhow? I put a lot of time and effort into making your family this delicious dinner, not to mention the cost of the ingredients. Plus, I'm not going to own up to cooking the damn bird, so how will I explain that we're not eating what I just made?"

Seriously though, that statement really was on my pan. It did go on to explain the bizzarre warning: "Birds’ respiratory systems are sensitive to many kinds of household fumes, including the fumes from extremely overheated non-stick pans.” Who knew? See? A PSA for the birds. I love animals, really.






Tomorrow, we’ll investigate why you should not dress penguins in tuxedos.


Monday, February 16, 2009

Good text should last forever

Just because I'm busy today, I'm going to transfer some of my MySpace profile over here.


ABOUT ME:   

I am all that and a bag of Funyons. Don't believe me? Hang out here a bit. You'll soon discover the truth.

I was born roughly 9 months after my parents had sex. My mom was kind of conservative, my father a hippie. I was then left on the steps of a large church and picked up by a family of gypsys who later "sacrificed" me to a pack of wolves. However, I was able to win the wolves over, mere moments before they devoured me, by cooing at them and blinking very rapidly. They raised me, and gave me the name "WOOFWOOFAROO", which was pretty much what they named all of their girl children.

Later, I was picked up by social services and labeled "little naked girl" and my natural mother felt bad and came forward and claimed me. She later pressed charges against Lady Annisia, the gypsy leader, for kidnapping, just to save face.

When I was 12, I was on the news for being the youngest vendor at a benefit to help the volunteer fire department where I lived. I was peddling pussy. I had 4 customers, but as it was getting later and I still had more to give, I just gave the rest away.

When I was 14, I moved to "the big city" where, tired of moving around and changing schools, I vowed to never EVER make another friend.

I broke this vow in July of 2006, when I made a MySpace profile. Ever since then, I've decided that I'm just not an in-person people person.

And so, I have set out to be that uber-popular cheerleader person who I accidentally pushed down a flight of stairs in high school. Only, I'll do it by blogging and instead of cheering, I'll beg you for money. How's that sound?

Political junk seems to be all the rage these days - and rumors, oh hell those are really making the headlines. And so....

I once had a threesome with a past female VP hopeful and the chocolate Kennedy. The chick yelled out, "You betcha and Yay Jesus", while I stuck my finger in her butt. Suddenly, a crotchety old man slinging words like "surge" and "maverick" appeared, riding one of those dinosaurs that Ms. I-coulda-been-VP doesn't believe in.


CURRENT INFO:

Married, kids, dogs, picket fence, out of your league. That's me summed up. Occasionally, I am a professional pirate and at other times - ninja. I have an incredibly short attention span, which makes it difficult to have any hobbies or work on projects.

I hate glitter graphics. I hate "FIRST!" on blog comments. I hate "Thanx for the add" graphics. I hate most vegetables and I believe that the secret to immortality may very well be to not eat any of them.

I really dislike it when people call me a biatch, a biotch, or anything similar. We're not in the third grade. Your mom probably isn't hanging out here, and if she is, she's not going to wash your mouth out with soap if you have potty mouth. It's B-I-T-C-H. Get it right, spell it right. Otherwise it's just your insecurity talking. If you can say BITCH, you can spell it, ok?

Oh, another thing? Nowhere in the history of the world has a kiss ever sounded like "MUAH". Not even Grandma's kisses when her teeth are on the dresser.

You should be fully prepared to have me refer to you as "hooker" or "whore" and if you're not, there's the door. For me, it's a sign of affection. Let's face it - who doesn't love hookers?








..Youniverse Personality TestYouniverse Personality Test



One of these days, I'll get the rest of it over here, but for now, that should hold you!

Happy Monday!

This blog is crap!