Jerry and I have slept in the same bed for over a decade and yet he is still learning things about me. I’m assuming this is something new, as this is the first time he’s mentioned it. He presented it to me as if it were something new that had developed. Our conversation went a little something like this:
J: “I learned something new about you while you were sleeping last night.”
Me: “Here it comes. What happened? Did I fart?”
*CRICKETS*
Me: “Well?”
J: “Yes.”
Me: “Did it reek?”
J: “I don’t know. My nose is still all stuffed up from my sinuses.”
Me: “Then it didn’t smell. Because if mine has any scent at all, you’d know it even if your snot had cemented itself inside your nose.”
J: “Stop. You’re supposed to be a lady. LAAAAY-DEEEEEEE.”
Me: “It’s a fact of life. Everyone does it.”
J: “Yes, but polite people leave the room so others don’t have to be uncomfortable.”
Me: “I was sleeping!”
J: “You still need to know that you did it. I mean, I don’t fart in front of you.”
Me: “You did that one time, after surgery. I know you were horrified, but I have to tell you, it made me feel like you were more human.”
J: “Let’s not talk about this anymore.”
Me: “OK.”
*LONG PAUSE*
Me: “Was it loud?”
J: *Sigh* “It was audible. There was no question what it was.”
*More silence*
Me: “Did it…”
J: “Just stop.”
Me: “Well, now I don’t think I can sleep in the same bed as you anymore. I mean what if it happens again? What if it smells? Will you file for divorce?”
J: “Stop.”
Me: “Oh. My. God. You’re already planning on filing, aren’t you? It was one little toot! You laugh when Josh does it.”
J: “He’s a kid. He’s a boy. You’re my wife!”
Me: “But…”
J: “Stop.”
*AWKWARD SILENCE*
Me: “That’s it. I just need to stand up and fart right now so that it’s no longer awkward. Ripping one in front of my husband shouldn’t be awkward.”
J: “Yes, it should be awkward – it’s common courtesy. And no, you should not stand up and do it right now. Ladies don’t even talk about this! ”
Me: “That’s because they’re too busy doing it. I shouldn't stand up? Would leaning be better? I'm used to leaning. That's what my mom and I do.”J: “Let’s change the subject because this is not helping my vision of you as a delicate woman. Can’t you be more lady-like?”
*Thinking of appropriate new subject*
Me: “Fine. I’ll be back. I’ve gotta go take a huge crap.”
Yeah, I got your “lady-like” right here!
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